Emergency Rooms

I’m not a fan of hospitals, for obvious reasons they’re not the most uplifting places. I have been lucky so far to not have many trips to the ER, and only had one occasion where I had to stay overnight in a hospital.

I’ve had to go to the ER a couple of times for sports related injures, and other mild illnesses. Regardless, service like being picked for a schoolyard game of kickball. The better athletes get picked first, the more serious ailment receives faster service. Everyone wants to be seen immediately for simple fact of not wanting to be near other people who are worse off than you. that’s my opinion of the ER experience. There should be different rooms for people with similar ailments. I remember bringing a boyfriend in because he had moderate hand swelling and pain. Not only were we there FOREVER, we had to sit and watch this one guy come in with some kind of stomach flu, drenched with sweat, gasping for air, and holding a bedpan full of barf. There should definitely be a room for people with body excretion issues, a room for sports related injuries, and private suites for migraines. I had a really bad migraine once requiring an ER visit and hospital staff went out of their way to send me into a dark room so I could at least be miserable alone in the dark rather than under florescent lights with sweaty-barfy people.

Service at the ER is all about selling yourself. You have to make those triage nurses really believe you have no other option than to come to the ER at this moment to get their service. They thrive on tears, vomit, excessive amounts of blood, lack of oxygen, and things that really say, "hey look I’ve come to see a doctor NOW!"

Sometimes it takes going the extra mile to get noticed. While living in Boston I came down with a nasty case of food poisoning. My sister and I had apartments about a block away from each other. She came to the rescue one evening after I had spent the afternoon in the bathroom, realizing that I was getting worse. In the city the taxi takes less time than calling an ambulance. My sister got me somewhat presentable to be in public and dragged me outside to hail a cab. We got in and the driver was all about conversation. It didn’t register to him that one of us might actually not be well when my sister insisted on the fastest way to the hospital.

On the way there the driver had the nerve to ask if we could pick someone else up on the way. My sister was like “dude she’s really sick and is going to throw up in your cab if you don’t step on it.” Again selling the illness to get what you want/need,

The hospital didn’t really find my illness too threatening and was just about to send me to the walk in clinic when there was a change in events…. I was on my merry way to the bathroom again but someone was in there. I was really nauseous again. I knew I could wait a little longer, (it was going to be okay). The girl left the bathroom and I was just about to get to the door and I stopped, turned around and was really hot and queasy. My sister was trying to force me into the bathroom and out of the corner of my eye I could see the nurse eyeballing my every move. At that point I had waited too long and my body had won. I threw up right in the main hallway, right in the middle, feet away from the bathroom. It was awfully embarrassing. But magically POOF, people cared and I was ushered into a room with a bed, an IV filled with fluids and anti-nausea meds*, and a doctor told me that I still had some barfing to do. It was the closest to being on a red carpet I have experienced.

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1. Make sure you really need to go. Only go if you have no other option, are bleeding, barfing, pooping, throbbing, wheezing to such extent you are worried that said ailment might cause further bodily harm or death.

2. Emergency rooms aren’t for the faint-hearted. You have to go there focused, willing to put up a fight, aka trying not to die of boredom waiting hours for minimal service.

3. Do not pick up random people in cab enroute to hospital.

4. Sell Sell Sell your ailment. Don’t be modest, you’re paying for their service. Think of it as an assignment for your intro to acting course. You’re just making sure people know you mean business.

5. Always opt for drugs. Don’t kid yourself, you’re human, and humans need relief. You’re not a martyr if you stay up all night moaning in agony. Take the drugs (you’re probably paying for them, they’re worth it).

*Anti-nausea meds are great, not so great when you find out a few years later you are allergic, causing you to take an ambulance to the hospital. Whole other blog topic.