vegan comics make me laugh

great minds think alike

www.nataliedee.com
www.marriedtothesea.com
www.toothpastefordinner.com

www.nataliedee.com
www.marriedtothesea.com

look ma, i can juggle

i was carting around drunk bafffoooons a couple weekends ago and we all needed a 3am fastfood break and sing a filet o fish song i didn't even know about until i saw it on youtube. Jesse jailbroke his iphone to get some bad video footage of me showing off my skillz. Some had dusty burgers, they didn't seem to mind or notice . . . .i'm finishing up the application process to join the circus or maybe it's just gonna be a traveling shit-town carnaval. ANywhoo, i'm now the world's tallest juggling midget. Finally! a title to put on my empty business card

my beef with vegans

picture borrowed from http://www.theeveninginn.com/uploads/articles/article39/cow500x500.jpg

do people see the hypocrisy with being a vegan? i think there's nothing less "green" about mass consumption of legumes. I hate it when i go to the food co-op and the tub of baby salad greens is completely empty. It's about moderation people, save some greens for the rest of us.

Anyhoo "being green" is about being thoughtfully conscious, not outwardly obnoxious.

Being a vegan is like the need to constantly struggle, be difficult, complain about not having anything to eat on the menu at Dairy Queen. I can't stand people who hem and haw when they go out to restaurants when there are no vegan options. It's simple really, go online, read said restaurant menu, call ahead, the interweb is an amazing device. If you're gonna commit to something hardcore, you should be able to handle a little research in the process. If you don't see anything, get some lettuce on a plate, they have lettuce everywhere. You're belly probably won't be satisfied, but your mouth will be occupied and that will satisfy your company.

My real beef with vegans? I guess i wouldn't mind so much if i knew a vegan that was genuinely happy. I've noticed a pattern with vegans i know or through the social grapevine. Not to get all psychoanalytic, but i've observed many a vegan be unhappy and unable to functionally deal with some uncontrollable part of their life and I swear they use their veganism to be able to control something that is an active part of their life. Then there's a couple people i know who became vegans because they wanted to be different than everyone else, they wanted to be the first vegan at our lunch table. Obviously, validation in their attempt for ultimate cool, I understand.

I say the whole soy food industry was created by people who become vegans for vanity purposes. It is stupidly ironic. It just so happens there are millions of people who have crazy food allergies and dietary restrictions that force them to eat mass quantities of tofu, spelt, rice, and other things they process to replace the real stuff.

borrowed from www.toothpastefordinnder.com

I feel bad for people with food allergies, they have to eat all that crappy soymitation versions of delicious food. I don't know what i'd do if i were allergic to all kinds of crazy things. I have a hard enough time with seasonal/environmental allergies, I give y'all props, you definitely got a shitty deal.

But vegans and their tofu versions of REAL FOOD, i think it defeats the whole purpose of being vegan. It's retarded to me that you eat something that mimics meat or cheese or anything that resembles it. I say if you're gonna be a real miserable vegan, you mind as well eat plain old vegetables as is, no processed tofu products, everything must be fresh and un-tampered, the way you complain about wanting everything to be. Eat everything raw, make dirt pies, I don't know, if you're gonna be part of the struggling foodie/lifestyle subculture you better start roughing it, then i'd respect your cause a little more, i'll still make fun of you, but i won't be harsh. I promise it will all be in good taste (har har har)

I'm no vegan but things i do veganish, i eat lots of vegetables, i don't wear fur, primarily because fur makes me itchy and sneezey. i get cranky when i don't eat enough protein. I try not to buy products or shop at stores that are notorious for mistreating people, animals, mother nature, etc. etc. etc., but it's not the end of the world if my tomatoes are conventional versus organic, i'll live.

biggest arguments against veganism:

• it's hypocritical, still
• leather jackets are wicked cool
• steak is delicious
• how could you not love grilled cheese sandwiches?
• tofu really isn't that healthy and if you're predisposed to Cancer you should really avoid it
• vegans who try to push their vegan-ness on others a-la Jehovah's Witness door knockers
• still perplexed by the things you avoid eating, when in fact vegetables were at one time living organisms, just like chickens and yeast.
• I don't get people who don't eat things just for the sake of withholding pleasure. You only live once, you mind as well enjoy what you eat, unless there's some crazy medical reason that'll send you to an early grave, then i guess watch your lard intake!
  

LETS GO BOWLING!

I'm working on my pro-bowler status, i bowled a solid 38 first time around and then a 54. Making my new average a whopping 46! Lowest score wins? An obvious correlation of my dedication.




I haven't been bowling since i lived in boston, which was ahhh forever ago. We gathered up a group of kids this weekend and decided to have a cosmic experience. Cosmic indeed. Next time we go, hopefully sooner than 10 years, I'm gonna wear as much white as possible because it's what people do when there's blacklights. I'm thinking a wedding dress from salvation army, my mom's 1970's white leisure suit (gnarly!), or my busted up handmade duct tape soccer uniform and making sure my hair is dyed super platinum so it glows with the rest of me. . . . ..

roses really smell like doo-doo

I work in a medical office, it's my job to be nice to people, and i'm usually really nice to people, mostly because i like being nice most of the time, but also, i'm pretty good at professional niceness with sick people and i really I know how to sound/act concerned, to make the patients feel like someone gives a damn. It's a gift i take for granted.

So there have been numerous occasions at this job and previous places where my niceness has been misinterpreted as wanting to know everyone's complete life history or even worse . . .romantic interest. I can't help it if i say things that are silly to make light of difficult situations, or make encouraging comments, or even hold the door open for someone who just had their leg amputated. Sometimes I actually inquire about the weather because I haven't been outside all day and i'm just plain curious, not because I wanna date you.

There are 3 types of guys that come into my office that think I want to have sex with them. The opiate treatment/detox patients, the lonely old men who take Viagra/Cialis, and the d-baggy married men who get Hep-C/HIV from cheating on wives with pay-dates. Nothing against having medical issues, or I guess mental health issues (you can't help it if your neurons are outta control), or being 50 years older than me . . . . but it's not you . . . .it's me.

1. I have a hard time empathizing/sympathizing/justifying hardcore substance abuse. It's annoying, destructive, unflattering, expensive. I know it's a mental illness ultimately, but it's preventable and therefore it's your fault. Harsh?
   
2. Wrinkly old people are cute, cute like babies are cute: They're both kinda funky looking and you wanna squeeze em, but not too hard cuz their bodies are fragile. However 60+ yr-olds on meds to make your shriveled wiener functional is not something i ever want to see or experience for myself. Personal preference, it's just not for me.
3. There's nothing more unattractive than chauvinism and unnecessary arrogance. Again my personal preference. Take those 2 and add lying, cheating, and some irreversible communicable diseases and you are by far the furthest thing imaginable i'd be interested in. I don't care if you're wicked hot, unless you're Johnny Depp or Jude Law, I can't humor your hot mess. Oh I forgot, cheating on yer wifey with a small-town hooker ≠ my affection.
4. Lack of common sense is a big annoyance. All 3 types lack this.

Everything's been pretty harmless, a few random comments here and there, a lot of stares in my direction. I must sound so vain, but really this is just annoying. I don't like to be bothered when I work, not by patients, not by my coworkers, not even my bosses! I just like to go and do my job, not deal with bullshit and then call it a day. I'm good at my job and like it most of the time, but i work in a place where it's kind of impossible to mix business with pleasure unless it's a corporate ninny event where i get drunk with my bosses and coworkers.



So here's the kicker:
I was at work this past Tuesday and a delivery man from a local classy florist came in full-arm with a vase stacked with a dozen red roses. Every woman in the office gave the look "oh are those for me, how romantic." - My initial reaction, was more along the lines . . ."fuck i'm gonna have to smell those for the rest of the day, sneeze and get a headache, and i'm glad no one sends me that crap." I really thought it was someone's anniversary or birthday or something because people's husbands do that kind of stereotypical special moment stuff.

I was just about to get back to my normal internal work monologue, when my thoughts were interrupted by:

"Delivery for Mia."
To which i immediately forcefully replied, "Nope!"

This aesthetically not so aromatically pleasing presentation was placed directly in front of my rouging face. I thought, who'd have the nerve to do this? Everyone knows not only am i allergic to smelly flowers, but i think gifting cut flowers is a complete waste of money and kinda says "here's something generic, because that's how i think you are." No? I'd prefer a plant over flowers any day, even an "Edible Arrangement" has more useful purpose - it's kinda cutely constructed and everyone loves flower-shaped pineapple slices and melon balls and alas, you can eat it! But flowers . . .you just sit, sneeze, and watch them slowly die, how thoughtful.....

Seriously WTF?

Honestly, I had a quick blip of excitement of who this person could be, because it was completely surprising . . . .. and then it was smothered almost instantly. I knew exactly who they were from without even glancing at the card. Gross. And then i read the card and wanted to vomit, again. Here it is, it was too ridiculous for me not to share.

***Name of actual person covered because of HIPPA confidentiality laws and by the 0.000000001% chance this old dude will read my blog and come and murder me at my office.

V-D #3: thoughtful vs expected

As promised, this is the 3rd & final part of my Valentine's day trilogy. It's a little after the fact, which is mostly due to not having access to pictures/programs from my then broken, now fixed laptop . . . .and also equally due to my inability to finish a project without the pressure of a deadline.

I decided to make anti-valentine's a couple weeks before V-day. Dark and dreary, bloody and spiteful. I made a bunch, and then forgot about em a little bit, and never sent them out. Yet another example of my enhanced procrastination . . . unless there's another name for this. I do this all the time with b-day, christmas, thank you, etc. cards: fill them out put them in an addressed envelope and they just sit, never reaching their intended destination.

Long story short, I was inspired/influenced by the presence of new friend to make this random present based on a random silly message they left me -After getting it I instantly thought, damn this is A. funny, B. great timing, C. something i could totally have great a comeback for, D. This person would totally appreciate the effort (well damn, if it were me i'd be psyched to get it!) So here i am sitting on this virtually completed project, 2 or so months after the fact, and i'm still as excited as i was with the original idea . . . .and I keep thinking WOW, it's amazing what you can create with some old mags, tape, glue, access to several thousand cds & random choice words.

This is it, the Pants Party collection. A 2-disc compilation of lust-driven songs about getting it on or wanting to, or just a little inspiration to get in the mood. And yes, this is packaged, ready, and waiting to be mailed.*

All the construction was actually done the day before V-day, and I thought, oh crap, this would be a hilarious V-day present! And then thankfully, the motivation was killed by the unfortunate events of getting sick with the flu, lack of positive reinforcement, and the realization of how much cooler my present would be on any random day in the near future. Ultimately, I would be succumbing to the evils of this fake love holiday if my gift were received for February 14th. Then I would have to deal with the uncomfortable “oh crap, she loves me, I can’t deal” nonsense, which isn’t really my style of bombardment, wooing, or random gift bearing. Honestly, although it may appear blatantly otherwise, I swear i didn't have any romantic intention with this . . .i just thought it was a great random idea . . . that just so happens to be open for (mis)interpretation. Everyone that already knows about this project doesn't believe me, i suppose i wouldn't believe me either. Whatever, it's dope, i'm dope, and y'all can suck it.





*just like the others

Polish Lesson #1

I enjoy learning about my Polish ancestors. There's a Polish punk/ska bank called El Dupa, which is by far one of the most exciting things i've learned about my cultural background, and also disappointing because my stage name was going to be Mia-dupa once i hit it big. I don't want any international strife, but miadupa has been my unofficial alias and a family joke for decades. I think el Dupa will understand, i still plan on marketing miadupa ©. See now it's official.

Polish Lesson:
"Dupa" means "Butt" or "Ass" in Polish.

V-Day entry #2 (as promised)

NUMERO DOS: Aw hell i had a helpful reminder about valentine's day and finishing a project . . .watching 30-rock St. Valentine's Day episode i think it was on this past week or something. I dunno it was on my Tivo one night and I watched it. Seriously haven't laughed that ridiculously for NBC in a hot minute. I came close to giving myself a hernia.

Back to business. Ugh trying to hang out with anyone on Valentine's day is difficult. Friends miraculously have boyfriends/girlfriends or dates, your family has plans. I'm single so for a Saturday night this was NOT COOL! I went to see a cliche movie earlier that day "He's just not that into you" which i suppose was entertaining, but i was skeptical based purely on the preceding self-help book. I need to vent:

• duh and fucking stupid concept. I've heard all the justification for it being a great theory of male-pattern assholeness. But it's a fucking crutch. A d-bag guy wrote a book basically trying to market d-baggyness and making females even more aware of male annoyances. Lame. Why can't males be held to the same standards we are held to? Being a strong supporter of equal rights, why are men still allowed to be dicks just because they can't take responsibility for their own actions. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of women who have these crappy habits, but it's nauseating how many dudes cannot be comfortable with admitting or coming to terms with whatever they did/said/think/feel and be open and honest about it. Maybe it's me being too critical, but I don't mind being honest. I'm never labeled a jerk, it works out. Sorry to the dudes who don't partake in this annoying mess, you're awesome, stay that way, & can i give you my #? If you don't have the balls to deal with the repercussions, then maybe the negative adjectives associated with men will dissipate.

• FYI, i didn't read the book. I never will. I went to the movie to hang with a friend, and check out some cute actors, with the hope i'd be blown away by some mind-blowing concept. Nope. Ugh whatever STUPID MOVIE, STUPIDER BOOK, STOOOooooOOOOPID jerk making money off this shit.
  

So back to my glorious Valentine's day. I'm not gonna lie, i was in a sour mood and when my friend called me to go out for drinks i could think of nothing else i'd prefer to do. Val scooped me up, but she said because she was driving i had to drink 2 drinks to her 1, with intention that one of us would get wastedface and one would be able to provide the safe transportation and a recap of the night's story. I'm a team player, so i took multiples of 2 for the team!


Karaoke Saturdays! Ah yes, i've avoided singing in places i frequent, i avoid solo public singing most of the time. After 3 Guinness pints, and some coaxing, I was ready to make my debut. I chose "I'm Burnin'" by Blue Oyster Cult, I wasn't about to do a stereotypical karaoke song, nonono, if i'm going out i'm going all out, It's how i roll!

"Burn out the day, burn out the night, I'm not the one to tell you what's wrong or what's right"

"and i'm burnin' i'm burnin' i'm burnin' for you"

I far from nailed it, mostly because the mic totally wasn't loud enough and I've got a soft voice as it is, so the combination of the two plus this random dude that decided to start singing into my microphone. Ugh. I let him sing the last chorus (see him infiltrating above) and sat down and killed my last pint within a couple minutes.

All in all, i had a pretty successful night drinking too much Guinness too quickly, don't even know how bad i sounded, and i actually forgot to pay my tab so I had to call Val after she dropped me home to come back and bring me back to the bar to get my credit card and close out my expenses. AWESOME!!!! & I'd totally do it again . . . . . .

Furrrrrtastic!

Furrrrrtastic!
There is this house . . . . . .i want this house . . . . .seriously would be the best place to live with some random fun people who like to entertain, get wet'n'wild, and enjoy the nostalgia. It might be open for rent in like 6-9 months . . . .it would be an amazing time until right up until we get evicted!

This bathroom is Minty Fressssshhh!

I'm actually going to be house/puppy sitting there in mid April and seriously can't wait to experience more of the decor and other hidden treasures . . . . . like an actual PUB IN THE BASEMENT with a BAR COVERED IN FUR!!!

CHEERS!!!

Wall Paper part 2

Over the CT border into a cul-de-sac, to Grandmother's house we go . . . . .

I was bored one day and thought it'd be funny to take pictures of the ancient wallpaper in my parent's house. Come to find out . . .i'm completely fascinated by wall paper of the same era and have had some random opportunities to snap some iPhone pics of some random grandmother homes with killer wallpaper. Additionally i've been getting a kick outta what people collect and how people decorate their homes and taking low-quality pictures of that too.....it isn't pretty, but it's damn old skool kool! ENJOY:

favorite wallpaper ever (so far in my adventures)

Orange and gray Dots & Lines

YIKES! old lady bathroom


Creepy little porcelain boys


AWESOME FRIDGE!


Every grandparent's house comes with a staple scary as hell picture of a person, guaranteed to permanently cause nightmares for their grandchildren: Exhibit A.
Even the frame and domed glass is scary!



The grand finale . . .grandma's Olympic-size hot tub !!